Saturday, 11 February 2017

CNY My Ass

I believe I talked about this once for the past few years. However it is still very relevant for me every year at this time.

I HONESTLY DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT CHINESE NEW YEAR.

The only reasons I look forward to it are the holiday (escape from work!) and the occasional ang pows. But even then, the ang pows really don't mean much except for extra pocket money to be used.

I don't like Chinese New Year because I am consistently let down by it. I'm not really close with my relatives, so there isn't much to be excited about a reunion. Nowadays my balik kampung means travelling to Singapore, which, let's face it, not my favourite country in the world. And I hate how everyone acts like they are so excited to see each other but complains about everything else behind each other's back (I'm looking at you, mother).

Chinese New Year should be a happy celebration, not picking fights for the sake of "maintaining traditions". It should be a time to spend enjoyable time with family, not to insist on yee sang that nobody in your family likes. Stop making a big deal out of a celebration. It should be voluntary, not coerced.

So yes, please do not lump me together with every Chinese Malaysians that you know, because I don't fancy Chinese New Year celebration after all.

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Refocus and redirect.

I should start writing for reals again.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

.

I don't feel anything anymore.

After the same problem emerges so many times, I decided that I'm tired of this. I don't want to chase after him anymore --- maybe it's time he starts wanting to be with me.

I just don't want to reply any longer.

Thursday, 26 May 2016

Job

I've started looking for a job online.

I legit started looking for a job. This time around it doesn't scare me as much, and I am determined that I don't want to run away anymore. It's about time to accept responsibility over my own life and do something.

(If you know of any job offers out there, please let me know)

I'm just ready to try something, anything.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Two More Months

One of the hardest things being in South Korea is being away from the people I love.

I've always been very involved in the lives of my loved ones. I always turn up. I am always there. And being here in Seoul, being 6 hours and 30 minutes away by flight, being 4,611 kilometres away, is difficult for me. I am never there. I am always helpless.


The first month was crazy tough. The weather was cold, and I had to adapt quickly.

The second month started to become fun. I made new friends, and I decided I was going to extend my stay for another month in South Korea.

The third month became a routine. There were more things to finish up, less places to explore. Time creeps up to you and before you know it, it is the end of May.


Now that the fourth month of my stay in Seoul is beginning, let me just say: I can't wait to go home. I believe I can stay in Seoul long-term, but I wouldn't want to. It isn't home, and it can never be home to me.

I miss Jun Hoong so much. We messaged each other a lot on Facebook, but it isn't the same with being together physically. Each night when we bid each other good night, I feel like there is a hole in me. He doesn't explicitly say it to me often, but I know he misses me as much as I miss him.


Sometimes if you see me trying to be alone and distancing myself from the crowd, it's because I'm lonely and only he can help mend that sadness seeping through my heart at that moment.


I need to go home soon and be okay again.

Sunday, 4 October 2015

Mourn the Break Up

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles." ― C. JoyBell C.

I have had a close friend, an important figure in my life. Or at least, in my university life. The three years so far in university are the most important years of my life yet, because they've shaped me into the person I am now, even with all the flaws that I have and embraced. Thus, if you've ever impacted me strongly in the last three years, it's likely that you're going to stick to my memory like a leech stuck onto your back.

She was there. She isn't there anymore. Simply because she is too busy for other more important things in life. I get it; she has her priorities and she knows better than anyone else what is important to her. I cannot fault her for that, but nobody should fault me for feeling how I feel about this.

It took me time to let go a little, even just a little. I don't give up on friendships so easily, especially if it meant so much to me. We were close, really close (or were we not? At this rate, I am no longer sure). Honestly, if you had asked me to steal a whole orchestra for her, I would. IT MEANT THAT MUCH TO ME.

However her lack of presence, lack of reciprocation, lack of understanding, lack of response and lack of effort were discouraging. There is a Chinese proverb, “一只手掌拍不响” which meant "you cannot clap with just one hand" ― if you want to sustain a relationship, you need both parties to put in efforts.

I know what some of you will say. "Be more understanding", "She is busy mah", "I rather see my friend succeed than seeing her all the time" and et cetera. First of all, don't compare yourself to me. I bloody put effort into this friendship, not you. This is why I said do not do such comparisons. Secondly, I support her but it's time she does her part. How long am I supposed to be patient, be nice and be okay for being treated in such a manner? I don't know about you, but do you know I feel like a recycled bag that she can throw away anytime? I don't have to be the bigger person all the time.

The last straw was when she called me to sell me a product. I'm not even surprised anymore, but I am so disappointed. I don't know how she can do this to me with a straight face. Our friendship is amount to only what you need from me, really?

I tried, I tried to be more patient. I tried, I tried to be understanding. But I am only human and I can only try for that many times. Seriously, if she doesn't care about how we (yes, I know I am not the only who feels this way) feel, then it's time we move on. I can do better than this.

I will grieve over our past friendship, but it's time to renew the dynamics of our friendship. I wish you all the best, PL.

Sunday, 16 August 2015

Towards an End

Keeping this blog alive was not something I intended to. However, when I found myself burning with a deep desire to run away, I ended up running away here. Of all places.

I'm not in a good place in my life right now. It is subtle, because I don't let myself fall into that pit hole by avoiding. I'm really good at avoiding, because isn't that just the most adult way to handle things? Clearly, you can tell that my maturity will bring me far in life.

With only one more week more before I officially complete my internship, I am at loss. I don't find meaning in my choice of internship, even if I learnt aplenty. The company likes me, but I cannot imagine myself doing this for a career. It won't make me happy. Right now, I'm even more at loss at life than ever.

Having one more semester before I end my university life (which have been the best three years of my life), it hits me that I now have to be an adult. No more reckless decision, no more wild dream. It is time to get myself grounded, to take care and be responsible of my own being.

Except, I don't want to. I'm not ready to face the world, not ready to let go of my dreams. However, my dreams are floating away from me, further and further each passing day. This pain of letting go of a dream, it wrenches your heart, like digging your long nails into your skin.

My dream was to be a diplomat. I suffered when I ended up having the worst grades for International Relations when I took that as a minor. Regardless, I prevailed. I finished all the requirements needed to ensure I have a Minor in International Relations. Coupled with an English major, I thought I was on my way to be part of the diplomatic corps. I was so wrong.

I realised that I can no longer hold on to that dream when I realised that I would never be good enough to be part of Wisma Putra. The competition was stiff, and I have zero connections. Recently, the scandals involving the governments discourage me from choosing this sector. I guess you could say it's a principle thing. Ask me more, and I could only shrug my shoulders at you.

I am scared. Scared for the amount of decisions that I have to make, and afraid of making a decision that I will regret indefinitely. I made so many realisations about myself these past three months, and I couldn't come up with the best next course of action. I am afraid, afraid.

Sometimes, I wish I could play a video game and forgot about the crisis I have at hand.